Hands

take a look at your hands... really look. from the front, back, inbetween the fingers.etc. How many stories can be told through your hands? on my left hand, on the inside of my middle finger, i have a long scar, from when i was 6 and i reached down and wanted to pet the dog as she was eating, something adults know you shouldnt do, but as a child i was just wanting to pet my dog. I reached down, and as an instinctual animal, the dog bit me, so as to protect herself, and her food. or when i flip over my hands, on my wrists, 8-10 small little circle scars on each hand. from when i was a baby, and really sick, these scars represent all the iv's i had. But scars arent the only things that can tell a story. what about how soft your hands are, or how rough, clean, or dirty?but these stories are pure pettyness... what stories can we tell of Jesus's hands today? It amazes me how many times His hands are mentioned when it comes to healing, but also death and suffering. When he comes into Jerusalem, he predicts that he will be handed over to the hands of sinners. When he goes off to Gethsemane, he proclaims, From now on, the Son of Man takes his place at Gods right hand, the place of power. When Peter cuts off the servants ear, Jesus touches the bloody spot with his hand and heals Malchus. Pilate questions Jesus, determines that he is being railroaded, and then gets into a dispute with the crowd over Jesus ultimate fate. In the end, he takes out a bowl and washes his hands, symbolically trying to wiggle out of responsibility for Jesus death. When they take him to Golgotha, of course, the soldiers pierce his hands when they nail him to the cross, pounding through the palms of his hands spikes large enough to hold the weight of a grown man. Perhaps most remarkably, at the very end of it all, Jesus final words a quotation from Psalm 31 are words that commend his life to Gods hands, Father, I place my life in your hands.
When Jesus put his life in his fathers hands, it is a prelude to offering that life to us, handing it over to us. When he offers his hand to us, encouraging us to clasp his in ours, the two whole lives whose stories are written into those hands are exchanged. The scars of our sinfulness, and brokenness are gathered into the scars of his life-giving crucifixion. His death becomes our life. Our scars signal the mortality that is part of life for us. His scars have death already behind them, and those scars on his hands become for us the sure sign of eternal life.
Like Jesus, we too need to put our lives into Gods hands, because its not always about the scars on the hands, or the color, or the size, or how soft or rough, but rather, its about whose hand you hold within it, and whats in your hand. We can be in Gods hands, we ARE in Gods hands... how great is that?

holy heartburn!

ok... so as I posted in a previous blog, I am having a really hard time with the church today. Ok, to not sound completely pompous, I am having a really hard time with my church today. I have been reading the book blue like jazz by donald miller. ( good one... check it out if u havnt already... and thanks Angela for buying it for me) and while I have been reading there are some things that have really stuck out to me. chapter 12 for instance is titled :
Church: How to Go Without Getting Angry
what a chapter to read. I go to church and that is what seems to happen. I get angry. Angry at the politics the lack of enthusiasm, the lack of passion, love, and wholeness as a community and body of Christ. Let me start here with a few questions I asked myself.

• How does God reach different people through different churches?
• How important is it to God that we, as the church, be united, like a family?

These questions really made me focus on what is happening. Perhaps my church is reaching at least one person in there, and yea God for that. Perhaps those who like the structure of skipping things when the time is almost up, or those who enjoy the sermons on money are being reached. Sorry bout the sarcasm. I am yet a bit emotional.
2. if we look at ephesians, we can find the answer for question 2. It tells us straight up in ephesians 1:11 it says ,"In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, 12in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory." (NIV) and it goes on in later chapters to speak of the unified church.

in a recent bulletein at my church on the list of concerns for the next board meeting was this issue - how do we deal with people arriving late to service?

seriously...is this the most important issue in the church today? I say...late or on time... people are coming... shouldnt that be worth rejoicing?! arent there more important things to be worrying about rather than the new carpet being stained, or the white garb being washed, or the candles being refilled with oil. there are people dying without ever knowing God and people in my church are worried about who is showing up on time?!

I live in Glen ellyn. It is in the middle of dupage county, which is in the top 5 richest counties in the nation, and is the richest county in the state of illinois. and what are the hundreds of churches in the county, 2 of which made the church reports top 50 most influential churches in america. and you know what I see? I see homelessness being pushed under the rug, I see battered children, imigrants who cant speak english, special needs kids with no church who can facilitate to their needs, elderly who have no ride to church.... and the list goes on. is this what the church is to look like? NO! the church is not to be an organization, but rather a family. all these different denominations, why? we all have the same base beliefs, why cant we all band togther and do something bigger? we arent to be battling over the kids in the area for sunday school or youth groups, but rather working together to give the support to the community that is needed. Church isnt a place, at least it shouldnt be, church should be a lifestyle, a way of being the body for others around us.

appreciation

I have a terrible sunburn... pray it stops hurting quickly! So my sister has been home all summer with me and my family. dont get me wrong, I love my sister, but I feel like Im not sure how much she loves, or really likes me. Please pray for that relationship. Shes my sister, I would die for her.

I sit here today, and think about the day yesterday. I went to the dunes with Alicia and Kelly. What great friends I have. I hope I never take them for granted. It was a great day.

speaking of friends, all my friends are amazing, and I love you all.

my parents have been really supportive the past 2 months and I appreciate them. I love them too. I guess I dont give them enough credit sometimes. or give them enough of a chance to be there.

So I guess this blog is just saying how much I appreciate everyone I have in my life right now. I sit and think about how lucky I am to have friends and family who love me, take care of me, and are willing to bring me back to reality when needed. How many times have I taken this for granted? How many people out there have nothing compared to what I have? I love you all.

I love these boys!

I went to the Aboretum with the boys today... These are some of my favorite pictures I took of them.

I dont know why they all set up wierd like that... oh well... I like em!

songs

I find the words to these 2 songs really speaking what I feel with my relationship with Christ lately.

Trust you More:
VERSE 1

I stand on solid ground, My balance is sound
I fall hardly ever.
To walk is another thing,
its too frightening,
so I stay where I am.
I wont go back but I cant move on
for fear is clouding my mind

REFRAIN
JEsus shine your light,
Lord hold my hand
and help me to trust you more

VERSE 2

A fledgling in the nest
i know I am blessed
so safe in your keeping
to fly is another thing
its too frightening
so I stay where I am
I cant grow here I
cant fly out for fear is clouding my mind

REFRAIN

VERSE 3

Oh Perfect Love that casts out fear
Come near and renew my mind,
Jesus shine your light,
Lord Hold my hand
Help me to love you more
Help me to love you more


BREAKTHROUGH

I sing all the songs,
I read all about you
I know right from wrong
What does it amount to?
If my life doesnt show
How much I love You.

REFRAIN

I need you to breakthrough
tear down the walls
let everything fall
cuz I want to praise you
nothing between you and me
I need you to breakthrough

I know there is more
I yet to discover
so many things
you want to uncover
Ive been scratching the surface
I want to go deeper

REFRAIN

Break through the pride,
Break through the shame
Ive had enough of staying the same
Break through the fear
open the gates,
Im getting tired of playing it safe

REFRAIN (x2)


Both songs are by Peder Eide. I hope they can speak to you also.

I feel stuck

So many of my friends seem to be doing something with their lives this summer. Either they are in Peru, or W. Virginia, Uganda, Mexico, wherever and where am I? I am here in hoity toity Glen Ellyn working at Giordanos with people calling to complain that I spelled their name wrong so it printed wrong on the reciept. SERIOUSLY!!! what is this? I feel cramped like I need to get out and make a difference like I should be in another state or country working for the Lord, working with kids adults working with special needs kids, anything but what I am doing and I feel like I am being stuffed in a bag without enough room to move to breathe. I know I know... take what I have and use it to witness to the people here where I am now. But have you ever been to Glen ellyn? wheaton? Naperville? if you have you know what its like to feel as if you have to be perfect have tons of money and settle for nothing less than the best. I TELL YOU I AM SUFFOCATING HERE!! I AM TIRED OF THESE PEOPLE THINKING THEY ARE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE THINKING THEIR SHIT DONT STINK! WELL I TELL YOU WHAT! SHIT IS SHIT AND IT STINKS!
I want to be back at school, back in the city where I feel as if I can reach out more make a difference for people who actually want it. Does this make any sense?

Botanic garden

Hey all, after reading a friends blog about the Chicago Botanical Gardens, I decided I would go for a day. I went with 2 friends from school, Hannah and ruthie, and let me tell you, it was a peaceful, relaxing day, and it was great to be with them. I wanted to share some pictures from the day with you. so here they are! - Chrissy.

yo no se

So I wanted to share a few Pages from my journal/sketch book. Its sort of a journal, sort of not. its hard to explain. I have pictures, words, cut outs, you know. I dont have any specific order, and I dont do one for every day. Some of the pages are from incidents that happened years ago and some are more recent. These 3 are from more recent incidents but that was just coincidence. Its sort of a neat way to journal. I like it better than just writing everything everyday you know? that sort of stresses me out, it gets overwhelming. I dont know. but I just wanted to share these.
Sorry You cant read the words on all of them, I just took pictures of my book but I think they are alright.

hangin in there

Through the past month I have learned a lot. I have had a really hard time with God this past year

this is true, but this past month, I have seen Him in more places in my life than I have in a long time. I have grown in Him more than I expected. I have a long way to go, yes, but I am walking closer to Him and while I am still questioning a lot, and struggling a lot too, I am seeing Him a lot more than I did before. This is a great thing.

I have started this new journal thing. Not specific to any day each time I write and draw in it, but each page represents either something recent , or in the past. For example, I have made a page about my uncle's murder, which happened in fifth grade, and the pages are in no specific order. but it is not like a normal journal. That is because each page doesnt necessarilly have writing on it but magazine cut outs or a picture or a drawing or even scribbles. But it is meaningful, and I have shown some people, but others not yet. Alli Beth and Erik, I want to share it wil you guys next year when I have more of it filled and such.

( the pictures: the one in the upper left corner is a bridge in Sparta WI, and the other one is the sunset on the way up to WI this past weekend, I took it out the car window while we were moving... not to shabby huh?)

cole and elijah... and other randomness

So you all know about the begining of my summer. Well, I am still doing out patient, hoping to get discharged from that next week, and then I start the new program in Hinsdale which is specifically geared towards self injurers.
But outside of treatment, I have been babysitting. I babyat cole and elijah last night, Cole was sick and sleeping most of the time, so me and Elijah were outside playing as you see in most of the pictures except for the one of cole showing his crayon. These boys are such a blessing to me. So many times when I find myself in a rough place I find myself thinking of these boys and how much they mean to me, how much joy I get from being with them, and how much love I give to them and receive from them. I have babysat them since cole was just a baby, and he just turned 6 this year. Elijah calls me Kissy, and they both just give the best hugs you could ever imagine.
I have really grown alot in the past month or so with all the hospitals and treatments and all that stuff. I have really found I want to be here, while it is stiill a journey I am on right now, I am finding it easier each day to wake up and want to live the day. These boys have had a huge impact on my life. From the hugs to the brutal honesty they bring me. I feel as if they are my little brothers, I would literaly die for them. Do anything to protect them, my mom says I am getting just a small taste of what it is to be a mom.

What else have I done this summer. Well, I worked at the taste of Glen ellyn working in the ticket booth. I do this each year, its good money to work the carnival. a good time too. And I start work at Giordanos next week. Unfortunately I will not be able to go to lab this year because of the current health situations, but I need to take this summer to spend on me, work on getting to a better place so that next year at school, and even the rest of this summer will be good.

Pray for my mom, she has been in the hospital the last 3 days. She is coming home today though. They were giving her plasma and hemoglobin because her blood was way to thin causing blood blisters on her, and causing her to wake up the other night with blood all on and in her mouth and pillow. Just pray the Lord will hold her and walk with her in these times, as she heals.

Love you all!

chrissy

Trying to come up with something clever... but failing

So let me see... I have nothing profound to say, or a new thing to bring up to stir emotions or anything like that. No lately I have really been struggling. Struggling with faith, God, life in general. Therefore this blog is going to talk honestly about whats going on... feel free to continue reading ( not that I believe people actually read this...seeing has I have never gotten a comment... it leads me to believe that perhaps I am my only audience.)

I have been questioning a lot lately. Questioning God's love for me, my love for myself. Really struggling with believing I am worthy. I have dealt with depression for some time now, and lately, it has been quite overwhelming. The feelings, the thoughts, I just wonder why, or how could this continue? Does that make sense? I have been dealing with self-mutilation. Hurting myself through either cutting or even punching my arm to the point of blood vessels breaking, and my arm bruising. I know Jesus has saved me, right now I am just having a really difficult time trusting. My bible professor and Iwere talking about some things, and he said to me, you can't fall out of being saved. You will go through times where you don't know what you believe and that is fine, because once Jesus is in your heart, He is there forever, whether you recognize it or not, and when you have trouble believing in God, and His love, Jesus is there doing it for you.
What a statement. I admire him so much, and his willingness to be so honest with me.
It is so hard sometimes, to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

This past weekend when I was home for Easter, my family and I sat down and had a "family meeting" . Never a good sign. :) but the reason for this one was because I had called earlier in the week to tell my dad that I had been hurting myself again. He was upset, and long story short, he didn't make me feel to great about it, and it led to this family discussion. We didn't come full circle with the issue in the talk, but I feel a sense somewhat of relief my parents know. It was really hard. I just feel ashamed of it.

Last night for some unknown reason was really difficult for me. I couldn't control my thoughts, impulses, feelings nothing. I got to the point of wanting to hurt myself, but my RD has my razors, and things I would typically use. I got really angry, punched my arm, and when that did not give me enough relief, I went down stairs to her apt. and told her I wanted my things back, of course, seeing I was not going to use them to merely shave my legs, she told me no, had me sit down, and tried to talk to me to help to settle me down. I couldn't and I got up and left. I was going to find something else. She tried to follow me, but I ran, and it was dark outside, so she couldn't see me, I went for a short walk, and when I couldn't handle it anymore, I went back into the dorm, I took the elevator up, and as I was getting off she was waiting to get back on, because she had just been to my dorm room trying to find me. I wanted to scream, tell her to go away, I told her again I just wanted my things back, and when she wouldnt let me pass, because she wanted me to get back on the elevator to go back downstairs with her, I banged my head on the wall really hard, finally she got me back downstairs, and after talking some, and a few times of beating my arm she just grabbed my arms and held me, put on some classical music and just sat. After about 45 minutes I calmed down some. We were able to talk a little, and around 2 am We went our separate ways, and I went up to bed.
It is nights like that that make me question. I question what am I good for? why me? Why can't I just "snap out of it" and if God is there, why did He let me experience that? why do I experience it so frequently?

I don't know why Christina ( my RD) cares so much, I wish she wouldnt. My night last night would have been a lot easier if she had jsut let me calm myself down the way I wanted to. But she didnt. And that was hard. Im worn out, tired of all of this.

I dont even know where I am going with this. I guess I just had to get some of that out.

So ready for summer vacation... but so not at the same time

I am ready for a break from the busyness of school. I have def. over done myself this semester, between 3 jobs, teacher aiding, an 16 credit hours, along with homework, UMIN stuff, and friends. I feel as if I am being stretched in 90 different directions, and I am wearing thin. I have applied for a job with district 200 for this summer, It is just a school district in Wheaton IL and I applied to work with thier special needs summer school. I have yet to hear back from them, and I am worried/anxious about that. I know I have other job options for the summer if needed, but not particuarly ones I really want...aka...working at Giordanos and my dads office.. those are the secure fall back jobs. :)
While I am ready for the break from the busyness of school, I am really going to miss seeing my friends everyday, seeing my RA and RD, and my roommate. What great relationships have been made, and it is going to be hard to be separated from everyone for 3 months... not that we wont talk and such...but not being able to just walk down the hall and into a friends room, or going down the street to a friends appt. is different than calling just to say hey. you know? Plus, while I enjoy being home, I find it to be quite stressful. It is hard to be at home and see my mom everyday going through what she is. I like to be at school where I am somewhat separated from it, not that I dont worry about her when I am at school, because I do tremendously, but to be at home,a nd to be surrounded by stress and anxiety everyday is hard. does this make sense? MOm just isnt mom anymore. and it hurts to see that, and to realize that. it hurts alot.
Northpark has been good for me this year. I have made some amazing friends who really know me, and love me, and support me, and I really know, love and support them. I think I am at a time in my life where a transition is happening. from really not knowing too much about myself as a human to really begining that journey. and while that is exciting, it is scary as hell also.

I registered for my classes for the fall...this is what I am taking

writ 2100- tutoring writing( this is for my job as a writing advisor)
educ- Methods in art for elementary teachers
EDUC- Methods in science k-4
EDUC- Methods in reading, language, social studies k-4
EDUC- Methods of math k-4
Soc- Intro to sociology
STAT- intro to stats


7 classes total... looks like next year will be quite busy... :)

luckily not all of those classes are a full semester, so I will not have all 7 running at one time, some are for the first 8 weeks, and a couple are for the last 8 weeks, only 3 are a full semester... not too bad i suppose!

well, I have procrastinated studying for my spanish test long enough... yes...the test in in 35 minutes and I have yet to figure out what chapter I am in... ok...so its not that bad... but its close. :)

pray

Pray for my mom. She is in the hospital again... this is 2x already this year... looks like this year is yet to be different from the others. I dont have time for details, please just keep her in your prayers and thoughts.

<>< Chrissy

hmm... I just dont know

Well, seeing as I just remembered I had this site... I might as well write a general blog about what's been going on.

Life has been alright. I have been exceptionally busy with school, my 2 jobs, tutoring a girl with asperger's syndrome, friends, and between all of that... The meetings, and occasionally sleep.

I find all of these activities busy me, and therefore keep my mind off things... that is until I have the opportunity to sit, and just be... usually about the time of bed, and that is what gives me trouble. Dealing with depression is hard. I have really been struggling lately with thoughts, and not feeling as myself. I have started going to a psychologist here near campus, and while we are talking about some really hard things, I know it will be benificial for me. Throughout all of this, I have really been questioning God. I find I often keep God in a box, a place where if I know He can handle something, Ill let Him out, but I very seldom let Him into the big things in my life. I know why I do this, its because ever since I was little, ad I asked for healing for my mom, or asked for wisdom and help with finding who murdered my uncle... and nothing ever happened. My mom is pretty sick, and we still have yet to find who killed my uncle. I have seen and experienced more death, and bad things in my life than most see in an entire lifetime. And then I wonder, why. why my family, why now, why cant we catch a break? things like that. I have really just been struggling with believing God is there that he hears and truly answers. I have no problem praying for others, but when it comes to my own life ad family... I often hesitate, wondering if it really is even worth it any more. I just wish I could understand.
I dont understand why my mom has to suffer so much, I know its bad to say, but i would rather He take her home, because I am sick of seeing her be sick tired and in pain. And I know she is tired of it too... because she too has said she is ready to stop taking the medicines. that scares me.
I often wonder....is it supposed to be like this?
I dont know where Im going with this. so therefore... i suppose ill stop...

im off to work, ESL workshop, work, then a meeting... all done at 10:30 pm today... hmph.

wow... I forgot I even had this blog site... ha

Alright, so I got an email from a friend saying she had just started a new blog here on this site, and I realized I too had a blog here... I had forgoten about it... its been a few months since I have written on it, and I forgot my password until today when I had the chance to sit down and just try a bunch... haha... who does that? I guess I do... well... there ya go... Im back!

Chrissy

Down Syndrome and selective abortion

have had many times in my life when it is especially easy to believe in a almighty God.... Leadership Lab, missions trips, other youth gatherings, all places where God is truly visible, and EASY to see. However, when i leave those places, while the spiritual high last for a few weeks, the world slowly creeps in, and catches up. I get lost in the everyday, rather than the everlasting. God hasnt left, I have just quit looking. everyone has periods in their lives in which it's easy to believe. There are also periods in which questions come. We don't go looking for the doubts, but they come looking for us. The world seems to move faster than we can, and therefore, we start tossing things out, in order to give ourselves more time to do the worldly things, faith and devotions, seemingly are the first things to be pushed aside. We join a long line of people who have been asked to believe something that seems impossible from our perspective. Sometimes it seems as if God is asking us to believe in ideas, and things that to us as humans seem so impossible. To believe in an almighty God, one who will be there always, to believe we will always be ok...sometimes its hard to believe that... especially in the hard, and bad times. This is especially true when dealing with matters of life and death. We stand beside the grave of a friend, a husband, a mother, and hear the minister speak about the resurrection and Christ's return. We believe, we want to believe, but there are times that it seems impossible.Not only during the times of death, but during the times we stand by a hospital bed for the millionth time, and hear the doctors tell your mom they dont know why she is sick, or during the times of depression, and hurt.
How should we respond when God's promises seem impossible? I wish I had a great answer to that question... but i dont, I too am human, and i can say how we SHOULD or COULD respond... but the reality of it all is, when we are in those situations, those SHOULDS and COULDS go away, and the feelings we have just seem to happen. theres a story like this in the bible...Genisis 15 We're introduced to a man named Abram, who has already made huge sacrifices for his God. By the time this story starts, Abram has already showed extraordinary dedication and obedience to his God. He left his family and his homeland, risked his marriage in Egypt, and valiantly fought against a horde of foreign kings to establish his place and reputation. He even gave up his rightfully earned spoils of battle because God instructed him to forgo such a reward. This is a man who has put his life on the line, and who's never so much as questioned God. ( this story also reminds me of Job... how he never cursed God.)
The start of this story is a bit mysterious. Genesis 15:1 says, "Afterward..." It sounds like what we're about to read took place immediately after the preceding events, but you could also translate this "sometime later". How much later? Nobody knows. It could have been hours, days, or years. God's first words to Abram in this passage are also cloaked in mystery. God said, "Do not be afraid, Abram, for I will protect you, and your reward will be great." Why was Abram afraid? We don't know. It could be that he had just conquered the kings and had become a target himself, or that he feared repercussions. It could have been something completely unrelated.
We do know, though, that God had made some promises to Abram which must have seemed impossible. He had promised to make him into a great nation, and to give him the land of the Canaanites. Take a childless senior at least seventy-five years old, who's possibly in danger of being targeted by his enemies, and tell him that he's somehow going to have enough offspring to create a nation that will displace the people who already live in the land. That takes all kinds of faith. Abram faced all kinds of obstacles: his enemies, his lack of children, the delay necessary for that to happen, and the challenge of conquering and displacing the inhabitants of the land. You could forgive Abram for having some doubts.At a funeral, the pastor usually talks about the fact that the person who has died, is in a better place, is resurrected to heaven and is no longer mortal. They talk about the hope we have God, and about where that hope comes from...Jesus coming again... And i dont know about you all... but i know, that I, have heard these promises, many times, and looked at all the hard things in front of me, the obstacles, and thought those promises to be impossible. Finding it really hard to believe. so how should I and you respond when it seems those promises are impossible?
I have a few points...1-We're allowed to question God. God didn't condemn Abram for questioning him. He reassured him, gave him a visible demonstration of his promise. A pastor one time told me that the moment I stop questioning my faith and God, is the moment I have lost it. Because the questioning, the searching, it leads us to His word, and only makes us more bold and stronger in what it is we believe. 2- We're called to respond in faith despite our doubts We already read Abram's response to God after his first question. Verse 6 says, "And Abram believed the LORD, and the LORD declared him righteous because of his faith." It takes tremendous faith to bring our doubts to God, and to still respond in faith to him.It is hard to go to God in prayer...to go to a non-tangible, non humanly responsive being. We're sometimes afraid to confess our doubts and complaints to God. Don't be afraid. Now is your chance to get honest with God. Complaint is based on taking God seriously.I understand...and in my own life i often feel as if my prayers are shallow... because at that time i am having a hard time with faith... but you know what? God is still listening... So even when it is hard to believe, realize, Jesus is still in your heart, and when you have a hard time, Jesus will take over, He is still in you, and will continue believeing for you until you can do it all on your own... and He still wont leave. Peace always.