Trying to come up with something clever... but failing

So let me see... I have nothing profound to say, or a new thing to bring up to stir emotions or anything like that. No lately I have really been struggling. Struggling with faith, God, life in general. Therefore this blog is going to talk honestly about whats going on... feel free to continue reading ( not that I believe people actually read this...seeing has I have never gotten a comment... it leads me to believe that perhaps I am my only audience.)

I have been questioning a lot lately. Questioning God's love for me, my love for myself. Really struggling with believing I am worthy. I have dealt with depression for some time now, and lately, it has been quite overwhelming. The feelings, the thoughts, I just wonder why, or how could this continue? Does that make sense? I have been dealing with self-mutilation. Hurting myself through either cutting or even punching my arm to the point of blood vessels breaking, and my arm bruising. I know Jesus has saved me, right now I am just having a really difficult time trusting. My bible professor and Iwere talking about some things, and he said to me, you can't fall out of being saved. You will go through times where you don't know what you believe and that is fine, because once Jesus is in your heart, He is there forever, whether you recognize it or not, and when you have trouble believing in God, and His love, Jesus is there doing it for you.
What a statement. I admire him so much, and his willingness to be so honest with me.
It is so hard sometimes, to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

This past weekend when I was home for Easter, my family and I sat down and had a "family meeting" . Never a good sign. :) but the reason for this one was because I had called earlier in the week to tell my dad that I had been hurting myself again. He was upset, and long story short, he didn't make me feel to great about it, and it led to this family discussion. We didn't come full circle with the issue in the talk, but I feel a sense somewhat of relief my parents know. It was really hard. I just feel ashamed of it.

Last night for some unknown reason was really difficult for me. I couldn't control my thoughts, impulses, feelings nothing. I got to the point of wanting to hurt myself, but my RD has my razors, and things I would typically use. I got really angry, punched my arm, and when that did not give me enough relief, I went down stairs to her apt. and told her I wanted my things back, of course, seeing I was not going to use them to merely shave my legs, she told me no, had me sit down, and tried to talk to me to help to settle me down. I couldn't and I got up and left. I was going to find something else. She tried to follow me, but I ran, and it was dark outside, so she couldn't see me, I went for a short walk, and when I couldn't handle it anymore, I went back into the dorm, I took the elevator up, and as I was getting off she was waiting to get back on, because she had just been to my dorm room trying to find me. I wanted to scream, tell her to go away, I told her again I just wanted my things back, and when she wouldnt let me pass, because she wanted me to get back on the elevator to go back downstairs with her, I banged my head on the wall really hard, finally she got me back downstairs, and after talking some, and a few times of beating my arm she just grabbed my arms and held me, put on some classical music and just sat. After about 45 minutes I calmed down some. We were able to talk a little, and around 2 am We went our separate ways, and I went up to bed.
It is nights like that that make me question. I question what am I good for? why me? Why can't I just "snap out of it" and if God is there, why did He let me experience that? why do I experience it so frequently?

I don't know why Christina ( my RD) cares so much, I wish she wouldnt. My night last night would have been a lot easier if she had jsut let me calm myself down the way I wanted to. But she didnt. And that was hard. Im worn out, tired of all of this.

I dont even know where I am going with this. I guess I just had to get some of that out.